Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
