when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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