You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
