dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You pole danced in your parka.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
