just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my phone needs a breathalizer
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
