her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
