I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
