on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
