Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
