i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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