he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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