I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
