Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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