I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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