When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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