I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Randomize
