i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
