I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
