i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
