How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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