Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
