I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
