So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
