how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
