Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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