You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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