recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
