I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
