hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
