Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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