when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
