please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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