My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
