How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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