tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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