They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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