first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
