if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Do vagina's smell?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
