if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
