you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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