Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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