You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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