Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
