i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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