I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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