All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
