Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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