9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
