dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
