I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
