Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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