I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
