I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
