Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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