i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
