There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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